Panic Disorder, and PTSD
[On July 4, 2009 I was arrested with possession of half a gram, and charged with cultivation of a drug factory, along with distribution. Luckily, all of those accusations were false. I am now on probation for a year, and if i come up with a positive drug test, i face 4 years in jail. By the way, I am currently 15 years old of age.]
(Originally sent to Government offices)
August 14 2009
I’m writing to inquire if you have any thoughts on how I can be medicated. I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder, PTSD. My symptoms of anxiety include fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches and spasms, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, and hot flashes. My PTSD causes sleep problems, along with persistent flashbacks/memories of traumatic events. My panic disorder causes my heart to pound, along with feeling sweaty, weak, faint, or dizzy. My body begins to feel chilled. I feel nausea, a sense of unreality, and a feeling of loss of control.
I have seen many psychiatrists who have been unable to treat me because of my father’s refusal to believe in medication (educated in 3rd world country). It took a court order to finally allow me to get medication. I have tried zanex, buspar (15mg), clonapin(2mg), and a few others whose names I have no interest in remembering, as they did nothing for me. The results of these recent drugs, (buspar, zanex, clonapin) scare me, usually sending my body into either intense fatigue or intense irritability, depending on the medication. I am currently on 200mg of Zoloft.
I have been to 6 psychiatrists in the past 2 years. My most recent was Dr. Patricia Foster. As i said before, we tried many medications, all of which have caused more harm then necessary. Of the medication I do remember, Clonapin and zanex made day-to-day life difficult, not allowing me to properly function and take care of my sister. Clonapin and zanax finally allowed me to sleep, but i could not control myself. Buspar gave me intense motor-restlessness.
In 2006, I took my first inhalation of cannabis. The results weren’t as my friends described them, I did not “trip” or feel a “high” at all. Instead, for the first time since 2000, I was able, in a sense, to breathe. I finally had control. My nausea, which had caused my weight to plummet 20 pounds, was for some reason not there. I could eat! For the next day, I was able to sleep. After a week’s use, the dark circles under my eyes dissipated. My family noticed a difference in me the first day, as I actually sat down for breakfast with them. I felt a great sense of relief, I was back! I had only ever experienced this sense of pain relief prior to those traumatic events, which started all of this.
From 2004-2006 I was suicidal. There was no reason to live. The cannabis plant saved my life, allowing me to excel in school, join a sports team, and actually socialize with friends. I knew all I needed was a little bit of relief, one that all of those prescription drugs had failed to give me, but I never knew where to find it.
The answer came when my friends gave me a connection through school. Previously, my friends had offered it to me every summer when they had it, but I had never actually made a purchase. I had hoped to finally have my own supply so I could monitor my own consumption, and not have to rely on others to prevent my disorder. When it arrived, it was to my disappointment that I find mold, on an improperly cured plant.
I did not consume it, and since then I have been limited to getting small amounts twice a year. Last month, my friend was cut off, for reasons i am unaware of. He seems to be able to do fine without getting “high,” but frankly, I am scared as to how react to stress. My body converts it into something physical, my muscles locking up and the aching more unbearable. Nightmares have returned on an every-day basis, something I seem to not be able to escape. Panic attacks have returned, even in my sleep. My doctor and my school are completely aware of my “self-medicating”, and on a confidential basis, actually support it. They have seen the pain i feel when living day to day at home without any support, yet there is nothing they can do to support me. As of right now, I am stuck.
Since I wrote this back in August, harvest has come in and i now have a constant supply of medicine. I am getting straight A’s, and am looking forward to graduating soon. I have high hopes for myself, and am right now planning for medical school. I am currently the happiest person alive, because i know that my freedom is inevitable. Hopefully I will be able to own my own plant soon without repercussions.
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