Mood Disorder by Anonymous
I was smoking just the tinniest bit everyday for a long time.
I know I was depressed during this time, but smoking made me at least DO
something rather than sit staring at TV. I did lots of artwork, wasnt as
sad, and just made it easier to deal with life.
Then I ran out completely right after I found out I needed
over $2000 worth of work on my teeth, and a $2000+++ operation. I was really
depressed then, and had nothing to "get out of that head" and
became almost comatose for over a month, doing the bare minimum to get by,
and the TV was always on. It was so awful, a wasted part of life.
Then finally someone came through for me, I smoked a tiny
bowl full, felt like I had returned from the dead, did some art work, weeded
some flowers, admired the morning, just appreciated life again. It was so
good to be back with the living.
But I wonder if I am addicted to pot? If it is such a crutch,
then I guess I am. But it makes me feel alive, and that cant be all bad.
I dont do it all the time, dont need too, dont want to, so I cant
be all that addicted!! I plan the times I do smoke, and then only smoke 2
tokes on a small bowl. Thats all it takes, and lasts maybe 2-3 hours.
"Coming down" doesnt happen; I just sort of drift out of that
higher place, into one that is more comfortable than my straight depressed
self. It is hard to explain. I almost always smoke alone and am
uncomfortable smoking with others.
I find that it helps me concentrate on my artwork, and I
spend longer hours doing it. However, I cant always trust my judgment on
the quality of my work - some of it was really awful the next morning! But
most of my art while stoned has a freer more original quality to it that is
totally lacking when I am not smoking. And ideas just pop in my head that I
never could have thought up before.
So I would rather smoke pot than take anti-depressants, or "talk it out" with some shrink for $$$$ an hour. I do not believe this is a bad thing. Just illegal!