ADHD by Ryan P

Marijuana helps me alot.

Many memories of my life (and current circumstances) bring a great deal of stress especially when I get mad (I think of something bad which leads to more and more bad thoughts that wont stop and it just pisses me off more). I was taken from my parents at age 3 for an uncertain reasons and placed into foster home after foster home because I was a 'bad child', then after about 6 or so homes and 5 years of very bad stuff, I was put into a residential center. Neither place was fun and was making my childhood a worse memory. I was adopted at age 8 and put directly into the special education program at the local grade school, which I think was a bad idea because I could not get the grasp of how the real world/people worked, and being in a special-ed class with kids having the same problems as me was not teaching me good things. I kicked a teacher while being restrained one day (in one of MANY violent tantrums) (about 4 months after starting school), and was expelled into a private alternative school where I seemed to survive and was started on Ritalin. When Ritalin turned me into a zombie, I think adderall, imipromine (might have been to help me sleep), and some others were tried as well.

I was diagnosed with ADHD around age 8 and was placed on many different drugs such as methylphenidate (Ritalin), and probably others that I do not remember. I stopped taking the medications because they were not helping my anger, I barely ate, and things were going to hell. After that, I barely made it out of the private alternative school I was kicked into, finally making back into the public school system. I had about 4 months of 8th grade at a real school to get ready for public high school. I was still having problems but was being heavily monitored and was in after-school therapy 3 times a school-week for about 4 years. Once high school started, things were very different from what I was used to, and I was expected to keep up with everyone (not that I didn't understand the class work or couldn't do it, but things were very out of order and confusing because I was not in-sync with the public school system or anyone in it).

First smoked 3/4 into freshman year. I first tried marijuana not knowing it would help alleviate my stress, depression, and ADHD/RBS while making me finally feel good about myself as a person, but to 'be cool and get high'. When I went to class 'high', I did nothing but pay attention to the teacher (not being able to clearly see the board/TV would usually cause me to not write anything because I couldn't see what to write, or the examples/notes. Being hassled about this was not easy because I did not like to blame it on my lazy eye, or the fact I was too nervous wondering what everyone else was thinking about me (which is why I wouldn't sit up front or closer, usually in the back corner), and this is still a problem. Unfortunately, this was the last class of the day so I could not test "wow I can actually concentrate on what's going on and follow through with what needs to be done without getting confused and lost" for the whole school day. I tried getting high after 2nd period to see how I could do in my English class, I could concentrate on what was being read without thinking "oh crap she is looking at me" (or something similar) over and over, I was too into the book/movie. I could actually write stories and things I would normally not be able to do (I'd start something else and then forget about my ideas, and would get very mad because this was getting me into trouble). I could calculate math better because I could concentrate on the problems without being distracted and forgetting what I was thinking. I could think more logically, and things came to me way easier. I was also a more social person and could carry on a decent conversation while 'high', it made me more 'loosened up' I guess.

After a short period of 'experimenting' I got caught up in 'fixing myself' and being able to enjoy life, that I started using more and more to level things out and keep being depressed/angry all the time on a down-low. This only caused problems (mostly because its illegal thus most peoples opinions are evil and uneducated), and I got into trouble with my dad for using drugs, got kicked out of public school (back into the previous alternative school) because I was using on school premises and was caught 3 times with a pipe in my possession. I found it nearly unbearable to live without being 'high' (I think being high is a side-effect of using cannabis as a medication) because things were so much easier to comprehend and my brain and body went much smoother, and I rarely got angry. I lost all my dealers by getting kicked out of public school and resorted to some kids around the block. They just dragged me down into much heavier (social, getting wasted) use along with drinking occasionally. When medicating, I never smoked to get high, just little bit every 3 or 4 hours to get mellow and level things out. At parties/friends' house was different. I could not even have friends until I started using because I was too worried about things and would always 'do my own thing'.

I have resorted to some pretty stupid things to attain marijuana. I pretty much feel that life is a pile of sh** when I'm not 'high' because I know things can be SO much better, but the little stupid things (like the law) are keeping me from sustaining a mentality that life is going to be okay. But as soon as the marijuana wears off, I am angry, cant sleep, depressed (I guess because I'm tired of living with all this crap when I know it can all be helped (for a while at least)), and things are again back to the way they have been my whole life, also knowing that it will be very hard to keep medicating with what I know works because people will not recognize it DOES help some people, and can be used in GOOD ways instead of all the hyped-up evil.

The stress factors of the very irritating things I have been through stir up memories and emotions that I must get rid of somehow or another or I feel like I'm going to kill somebody (these feelings can be suppressed while cannabis helps me focus my brain for more productive things like computers (my gift), and my life). I found that it is not the marijuana wearing off that aids in area of stress and depression, but the fact that going back to being screwed up knowing I could make things all better and function properly with just a little help, but that help is out of my reach (legally, and financially) which causes more stress and depression. This is not necessary.

I do not like smoking, or like smoke period. I think digesting (cooking/eating) cannabis would be substantially better for my health than smoking it (unless things get too hairy and need immediate relief); I have not been able to experience the difference between eating and smoking because I never have had enough, and barely ever have enough to keep my sanity. Like, when I get mad (and I have been known to get mad at the dumbest things), I get extremely angry because after thinking a bit, I know all this stuff, and thoughts go from one to another, yet I can't make things just work out the way they should, and it's not right. I usually try and understand both sides of the problem, but can only really follow through with my thoughts if I am medicated (with cannabis, which seems to be my all-in-one potion).

I am aware there are other man-made medications for ADHD, RBS, depression, anxiety, and whatever else I may have, but I highly doubt they provide the same sense of well-being (relief of depression and clearing the head) while simultaneously treating a persons abnormal brain chemistry that drives them up the wall so to speak. Works on all my aches and pains as well. I have not tried dronabinol (Marinol) because from what I have read, I feel herbal cannabis (and its 60+ cannabinoids) has a much more positive effect on my problems than pure synthesized-THC (which still does not do all the same things as naturally occurring THC). Besides, I do not like the idea of taking any form of coke or speed (that can cause me not to eat (which is already a problem, I get so stressed that I get sick and throw up, and then have to smoke to relieve the stress and be able to put something in my stomach) and may cause a stimulant dependency) when a plant from the ground when eaten, can fix most if not all of my problems allowing me to continue life knowing things will be alright for a while. Why prohibit those who can benefit from natural herbs legally do so? People are dependant on a LOT of things to keep themselves well.

That is just my say in what marijuana does in part of ADD and other psychological areas. I know plenty of other people who can say pretty much say the same.