Mood Disorder by Anonymous

I was smoking just the tinniest bit everyday for a long time. I know I was depressed during this time, but smoking made me at least DO something rather than sit staring at TV. I did lots of artwork, wasn’t as sad, and just made it easier to deal with life.

Then I ran out completely right after I found out I needed over $2000 worth of work on my teeth, and a $2000+++ operation. I was really depressed then, and had nothing to "get out of that head" and became almost comatose for over a month, doing the bare minimum to get by, and the TV was always on. It was so awful, a wasted part of life.

Then finally someone came through for me, I smoked a tiny bowl full, felt like I had returned from the dead, did some art work, weeded some flowers, admired the morning, just appreciated life again. It was so good to be back with the living.

But I wonder if I am addicted to pot? If it is such a crutch, then I guess I am. But it makes me feel alive, and that can’t be all bad. I don’t do it all the time, don’t need too, don’t want to, so I cant be all that addicted!! I plan the times I do smoke, and then only smoke 2 tokes on a small bowl. That’s all it takes, and lasts maybe 2-3 hours. "Coming down" doesn’t happen; I just sort of drift out of that higher place, into one that is more comfortable than my straight depressed self. It is hard to explain. I almost always smoke alone and am uncomfortable smoking with others.

I find that it helps me concentrate on my artwork, and I spend longer hours doing it. However, I can’t always trust my judgment on the quality of my work - some of it was really awful the next morning! But most of my art while stoned has a freer more original quality to it that is totally lacking when I am not smoking. And ideas just pop in my head that I never could have thought up before.

So I would rather smoke pot than take anti-depressants, or "talk it out" with some shrink for $$$$ an hour. I do not believe this is a bad thing. Just illegal!